


After.

by Whisperingly (Glammons)



Series: After Universe [1]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, Cute, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I mean I think it's good??, Is Peebee written well?? Idk she's really hard to express, Past things and future things, Potential for more, Really sad but also cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2018-11-16 18:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11258955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glammons/pseuds/Whisperingly
Summary: Sara Ryder is dead. This is the after. With events that lead up to her death, and the path her life took.





	1. Chapter 1

     Sara Ryder was dead. She had taken one last breath, and then she was gone. The sound of that last shaky breath echoed in Peebee’s mind over and over filling her head and drowning out any other thoughts. She sank to the ground her head falling between her legs as she rocked back and forth beside the bed where moments ago Sara had died. A crushing pain sat in her chest, and her breathing became short, gasping. Despite everything, despite all her jokes and laughter this felt like the end of the world. Like everything she had ever wanted was slipping through her fingers.  
******Past*****  
     “Babies? You want to talk about babies?” It was years into their relationship, strings upon strings upon strings. A massive web that you were encased in - not trapped, safe. Ryder sounded surprised, even amused as Peebee lay curled against her. Her heart fluttered briefly in her chest, what if this was a horrible mistake? No. She had worked at this for years. No fear, nothing she ever said was a joke to Sara.  
     “Well...isn’t that what humans do, get married, buy a house, have kids?” She asked lightly. Her heart thumped in her chest. She swirled a red strand of hair on Ryder’s chest. It calmed her.  
     “If I recall correctly you couldn’t hand Gil’s daughter back fast enough after she spit-up on you.” Ryder said lazily a smile in her eyes. Peebee smiled at the memory. Gil laughing, Vetra sighing, and Ryder’s hand on her shoulder a wide grin on her face. “Besides, us? Parents? Can you imagine? We’d probably accidentally drop the kid in a volcano.”  
     “Ah, ah , ah.” Peebee had replied with a chuckle. She rolled over until she was straddling Sara. “An active volcano.” She corrected, smiling down at her wife. This wasn’t important now. Besides. Ryder was probably right. They were young. They had a long time left to think about stupid things like dozens of blue babies.  
     “We don’t need that. We’re busy being us.” Ryder had said, and her arms had tightened around Peebee. She grabbed her wife’s hand, kissing the ring still firmly on her finger. “This - here. This will always be enough for me.” And Peebee laughed at Sara’s goofy grin. Still as blissed out as she was the day they got married. Even getting Peebee to agree to that had been a challenge on Sara’s part. But she’s given in. She’d never really been able to say no when Sara asked her for something.  
***Present****  
     They had all come. It was amazing to her that after all this time she could call them, and they’d come. For Sara. So many dead in the past 100 years. A blink for her, but an eternity for the others. Drack, Liam, Cora, Kallo, Suvi, and so many others. There entire life gone in what felt like a second. Peebee felt like she had aged 200 years in the past two days. Her normal personality gone, with Ryder’s last breath. The door opened one last time. The newcomer looked like she was walking into a nightmare. Peebee lowered her gaze - not meeting the eyes of her latest guest.  
*******Past***********  
      “He just...he just died. Too much blood loss. They couldn’t save him. It’s all my fault.’’ Ryder’s head was in her hands the tears threatening to spill. Peebee was standing hands stretched out. Even after all this time she still wasn’t quite sure what to do in situations like this one. Sara’s brother was dead, and Peebee didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t fix this, a little spin in the zero-g chamber wouldn’t fix this. Nothing but having Scott back would fix this.  
     “Pathfinder if I may Scott sustained 6 bullet wounds many severing-” SAM started to say in his monotone voice, obviously trying to help, but AI’s could only understand so much about sadness.  
     “SAM. Stop.” Peebee said forcefully. Sara didn’t need a re-play about how her brother had died. The Pathfinder was hyperventilating now, great shuddering breaths. At least the tears had stopped. Peebee sat down next to her, hesitating before putting her hand on her wife’s shoulder. That made the tears start up again, great shuddering sobs.Great. She’d made it worse.  
     With only a small moment of hesitation Peebee reached out in her mind. They both fell into the meld effortlessly. Sadness and confusion consumed Ryder’s mind. Peebee just sat at the edge of it, sharing in Sara’s greif. It wasn’t much but she felt the crushing weight on Sara’s mind ease a little, Peebee taking some of that burden. She felt Sara’s breathing pattern slow, matching her own.  
     It was hours later when Sara finally fell asleep, and the meld ended. Her arms stayed wrapped tightly around her wife. After a few minutes she too fell into an uneasy sleep.  
******Present********  
     Peebee sat on the bed. So many things had happened here, so many happy things. Sara called it their own personal outpost. Their bed. It was the same one that had been on the Tempest all those years ago. They may have moved but the bed came with them. Good and bad had happened here. Peebee fell back on the covers staring at the white ceiling. She’d wanted to paint it bright purple. Ryder had disagreed- she’d wanted it orange. They’d settled on just leaving it white. Less worse that way. She smiled at the memory. SAM had even offered up a suggestion of beige. Pathfinder, may I perhaps offer a suggestion. Sara and SAM a forever present pair in her life. Until now.  
     The one thing she had asked- when everyone had come to realize Sara was dying - was that she didn’t die here. In this bed. Sara, selfless in those last few months doing everything for her for Peebee had agreed. Now Peebee wondered how she could have asked that. How she could have let Sara die in a hospital filled with strangers and noise. Only with Peebee’s hand to comfort her.  
     The crushing guilt settled over her chest. That seemed to be happening a lot lately. More guilt, more grief. Another promise broken. Not that Sara was around to see it.  
Peebee thought about the last time she had watched Sara died. _It’s been great._ Goddess. If that’d been the last thing Peebee had said to her. She could still remember that feeling of devastation, of thinking for a few seconds that Sara was dead. That she was never coming back. _Stimulating cardiovascular core. No activity._  
     This time the feeling was different. Like she had been prepared for the fire, but let everything burn anyways. Just sitting in the flames watching everything that had ever mattered turn to ash. Maybe something good would emerge from the ashes someday - a phoenix. However she’d never really been good at seeing through smoke.  
     The door creaked open and Peebee closed her eyes.She knew who it was, because who else would it be? So much of Sara was in her face, somehow. Maybe it should have been a comfort, but it still stung.  
“Mom?”  
*****Past****  
     The morning after Scott died Peebee woke up to Sara’s face directly in her’s. “Why hello to you too?” she said with a slight smirk. This wasn't the first time she'd woken up to find Sara staring at her.  
“We’d make good parents.” She said her face dead serious.  
     “What?” Peebee asked blinking, staring back at Sara. It was too early - she had to be hearing things. It had to have been at least ten years since they had that just joking conversation.  
     “I’m going to die. Someday I’m going to die. Everyone is going to be gone someday, and I don’t want you to be alone. I don’t want you to be alone Peebee. You shouldn’t have to be alone.” Sara’s voice was pleading her eyes wide and filled with this sick fear.  
     “That’s a horrible reason to have a child, Sara.” Peebee said, her voice coming out harsher than she intended. Sara didn’t recoil though, she just started shaking her head.  
     “It is. It is a bad reason. But that’s not the only reason. You wanted a baby 10 years ago, you asked about a baby, and I brushed it off. I’ve been thinking about that a lot in the past few months. Why didn’t you bring it up again?” Sara spoke quickly her voice still deadly serious. Peebee didn’t think Sara had ever taken a tone quite as deadly as this one. Even when she asked Peebee to marry her it had been something of a joke. Everything was a joke to Sara - it was why they got on so well. But this wasn’t a joke.  
     “I-I-I don’t know.” Peebee said, breaking eye contact, a dead giveaway. The truth was, she had thought about in a lot. She had wanted this a lot 10 years ago, and she wanted it more now if that was even possible. Maybe this was just a part of growing up, this desire. But her work had filled the hole - Sara had filled the it more. “I guess, I just think that a baby should be wanted by both it’s parents. I didn’t want to talk you into anything.” Peebee eventually said, slowly, still not looking at Sara.  
     “You don’t feel like I talked you into marrying me, do you?” Sara said quietly. Peebee turned away getting up off the bed. That was the question she was afraid of, from the second the words left her lips. Sara just didn’t get it.  
     “Of course you did - but that’s the difference between you and me. I need to be talked into things. You...you want something, and then you don’t stop wanting it. When you don’t, you don’t.” She said spinning around. Her hands were flailing wildly, trying to show her train of thought.  
     “This isn’t like that. I want this. It took me awhile but I want this.” Sara said, standing up, she took Peebee’s hands in hers. “Anything that’s important to you is important to me okay?” Sara said, and Peebee smiled. Sara smiled back with that dorky grin that had played a massive part in the strings that she had wanted. And now they were adding another one. Less of a string - more of a steel cable.  
***********Still Past, but Time Jump**********************  
     “Amara hates me.” Peebee said hands on her face pacing back and forth in the workshop. “She hates me, why else would she leave? I’ve never been...uhhh!” She said with a final groan of frustration, continuing with her pacing.  
     “Don’t worry. She’s just...young.” Sara said with a smile as she watched the asari pace back and forth.  
     “Young, and reckless and careless and…!” Peebee said whirling. “And now I sound like my mother!” Peebee clearly remembered her mother’s rant the first time she had run off. It had included a few more choice words, with input from her sister of course. Ugh. The whole train of thought still made her stomach curl.  
     “She doesn’t remind you of anyone? Maybe someone who still acts that way?” Sara asked leaning against the wall, watching a furious ball of blue energy pace the room. Nothing got Peebee as worked up as their daughter - but children tended to do that.  
     “Ugh! Can it Ryder! I’m an adult! I knew this was a bad idea the second I agreed to have her!” Peebee whirled glaring at Ryder. Anger and hurt and frustration came to a dead stop. It was probably a good thing that their daughter didn’t hear that.“Wait..I didn’t mean that. I’m glad we had her.”  
     Sara smiled again. “I know.” Ugh. Old age had made her all-knowing. If Peebee didn’t love her she’d be irritated. As it was she found Sara’s personality changes a source of endless amusement, but not at this moment.  
     “What do we do? How do we get her to come back? She’s just a kid!” Peebee said, stopping her pacing and throwing her hands up into the air. Sara could fix this. Peebee always managed to fuck something up, but Sara could find the pieces. Amara always listened to her.  
     “You were just a kid when you took off to a new galaxy.” Sara pointed out, in the infuriating way with that annoying voice. The one that said ‘I know I’m right and nothing can change that’. Peebee hated it.  
     “I haven’t been hard on her for her entire life I’ve let her do what she wants! I’ve let her have as much freedom as she wants! Is that what being a mother should be? Shouldn’t I have protected her?” Peebee demanded practically shouting. The anger was fading into something...different. Fear. Fear that she had messed up something that no one would fix. Sara certainly didn’t seem keen on it.  
     “What are you afraid of?” Ryder asked. She stepped forward cradling Peebee’s hand in hers. Peebee’s thoughts whirled, what was she afraid of? That their daughter would hate her? That she'd die young? A deep curled up fear was nestled in her chest. She didn't know what was normal.  
     “I'm afraid that she wants something we didn't give her.” Peebee whispered. Ryder's hand in hers felt like it was holding her down, one strong rope in the middle of a storm.  
     “Don't worry. She's trying to figure out who she is. She'll come back to us.” Ryder had said. Her arms held Peebee to her. Not as tight after all these years. Wisps of grey hair mixed with red hair fell down around Peebee's face. She still felt safe in Ryder’s arms, like when she was in them nothing could possibly be wrong ever again.  
     Peebee stared at the grey strands an altogether different fear opening in her chest. Ryder was dying. Everyday she knew Sara’s life had a timer on it, and it terrified her. She pushed that away. It was too soon. They had years if not longer. It was too soon to worry about what would come to pass.  
     “She really is nothing like me is she?” Peebee asked, thinking of their clear headed, smart, tenacious daughter. More mature then Peebee had ever been. Maybe Peebee had meant to do that? She didn't know.  
     “That's probably a good thing, love.” Sara said, and Peebee could hear the smile in her voice and imagine how her nose would scrunch up accentuating the lines on her face. She reached out for the meld before she even realized in, and in a second they were joined. She tried to hold back the deep expanse of fear the threatened to overwhelm the connection, but she had never been good at holding part of herself.  
     Ryder didn’t sink into the fear, and her reassurance washed over Peebee soothing the fear if only for a few moments. _Everything is going to be okay. I promise._ Sara’s words echoed in her mind. _I love you. I love you._ It echoed in both their minds pushing out Peebee’s fear for now. She loved Sara, and Sara loved her. That’s what mattered. _I love you if it’s for another 100 years or another 10 minutes_. Sara whispered her mind and Peebee’s connected floating in the purpley black lights. Blue eyes met hazel. Peebee clung to Ryder’s certainty even as the tears threatened to fall. It was moment’s like this one that all she wanted was to stay here forever, Sara’s arms around her showing her that there was nothing to be afraid of. What would happen when she couldn’t have this?  
********  
     “Amara.” Peebee said without sitting up. She knew it was selfish. She knew her daughter needed her. She knew that she may have lost Sara but Amara had lost her Mame. The one person who had always been there when she was growing up. What would Sara do? Sara would get up, and Sara would comfort Amara. But she wasn’t Sara. She patted the bed next to her. She opened her eyes staring up at the ceiling.  
     She felt the bed sink down as her daughter sat down. “What are you staring at?” The other asari asked looking down at Peebee’s face. Ice blue eyes. Somehow the same shade as Sara’s. Peebee looked away. She had seen life die in those eyes too much before.  
     “Nothing. I’m just thinking. You know that Sara and I melded on this bed when I conceived you.” Peebee said. Her eyes glued to the ceiling. When they’d had Amara it seemed like nothing could stop them. The entire world theirs to control - creating a life. A life that was all theirs. A dreamy smile flickered across Peebee’s face for a half second. You could get drunk off that feeling alone.  
     “That’s information I didn’t need to know Mother.” Amara said with a small sigh, similar to how Sara used to talk when she was exasperated with Nexus leadership. Amara used that tone more though. Maybe Sara had gotten it from her. Ha.  
     “I’m sorry about Sara. About your Mame.” Peebee said sitting up. Amara was slightly taller than her these days. Amara was...gorgeous. Everything good about her and Sara rolled up into one perfect asari. Sara had loved Amara so much.  
     “Are you? You could have called me months ago.” Amara said, a familiar edge of bitterness was in the asari’s voice. Not unlike her tone the day she had left - 20 years ago. However this time her qualm was about Sara’s death, not the face that Peebee was trying to stop her from leaving. Sara could have had her another 20 years. She had never said anything, but Sara had missed her terribly. They both had.  
Peebee took a deep breath. In and out. In and out. This wasn’t about her or Amara or anyone else. This was abouting keeping a promise. And she had kept it. That was what was important. This anger...this would pass. She could fix it, she had to fix this. Amara was important to her.  
     “You don’t understand. I can explain.” Peebee said her voice quiet. She closed her eyes for a split second before they shot open again. Amara was staring at her - hurt and anger on her face. Peebee stepped forward reaching out to touch Amara’s cheek. Her daughter stepped back lake she had been slapped the second Peebee’s fingers grazed her cheek.  
     “I don’t want an explanation. All I’ve ever been to you is Sara Ryder’s daughter. That’s the only reason you had me.” Her voice was rough angry, and she flipped on her heel spinning around. She walked out of the room, and Peebee just stood there hand still outstretched. Maybe she couldn’t fix this mess. Maybe she just had to accept Amara was never going to forgive her.

***Past***  
    _“Promise me Peebee.” Sara had said her voice rough and crackling. Her eyes were hollow the skin sunken in around them. She was so beautiful. “Promise me you won’t let her see me die, please. Don’t let her.” The words were pleading wrapped up in pain and sadness._  
 _“I promise.” The words felt like they were torn from her lips, but she had never been able to resist giving Sara what she wanted. And if Sara wanted to cut Amara out of her death Peebee would do it. A part of her knew Amara was going to be devastated, but she could take her anger. She would take it to fulfill this last request._  
 _“No one should have to see their mother die.”_  
****  
     Peebee paced back and forth, barely holding it together. She needed...she needed. She needed Sara. She needed the reassurance that the meld always brought her. But Sara was dead. Along with Peebee’s sanity, and any hope of a relationship with her daughter. ‘I don’t want you to be alone. You shouldn’t have to be alone.’ Fat lot of good that hope had brought her. Sara was dead, and their daughter hated her.  
That hope, that small minute reason, that was why Amara hated her. And Peebee couldn’t blame her. She’d hate her too. Ugh. To think her Mom might have had her just so she’d have someone left. That wasn’t fair. It also wasn’t true - Amara had always meant more to her then that.  
     “Peebee?” Lexi said, appearing suddenly in the doorway. “Amara just left- something about-” She stopped when Peebee turned to face her, tears falling down her face. Just one more mention of Amara had snapped her fragile self control at least for a minute.  
     “Sara is dead, Lexi! Sara is dead, and I don’t I don’t know how to talk to Amara! I’ve tried so hard to show her that I love her, that she’s so so so important to me! But everything I say comes out wrong! She thinks I hate her! She thinks I just see her as a reminder of Sara! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do! I hated my mother. I don’t want her to hate me! I just want her to be happy!” The words came out in a stream the tears falling faster and faster the more she spoke.  
     “Oh Peebee.” The former doctor walked up to her placing her hand on the younger asari’s shoulder. A depth of understanding was in her eyes, like she knew exactly what Peebee was feeling. She hated it. “Amara may not act the part but she’s a child, and she’s grieving.” Lexi said her voice quiet even as Peebee looked away, not meeting her eyes.  
     “What do I do? How do I fix this?” Peebee asked, the tears had finally stopped, and her voice was steady. She could fix this. She had to fix this. Amara was all she had left - more importantly Amara was her daughter.  
“I can’t tell you that. You're her mother - you know what to do.” Lexi said taking her hand off Peebee’s shoulder. She was her mother. Amara was her’s. She had felt her moving inside her. Argued with Sara over names. She had fed her and cared for her. She had crafted this person with all her strengths and all her flaws. Peebee took a bracing breath. She had to fix this, for Sara, for their family. She had to try.  
*****  
     It didn’t take her long to find Amara. There was a little pond right on the edge of the area where the house sat. They had taken her there when she was growing up. It was filled with all kinds of things Sara had gotten from the Nexus. The little ducks had fascinated Amara when she was a baby. Just as Peebee has suspected the other asari was standing at the edge watching the ducks even now.  
     "Amara?" Peebee said softly slowly walking up behind her daughter. She reached out her hand hovering above her daughter's shoulder. Amara stepped to the side, it was a small gesture a quiet 'no'. Peebee's hand dropped, and she tried to stop her heart from clenching. It didn’t listen to her. Never had.  
     “I don’t want to talk right now. Please.” Amara’s voice was strained, like she was holding back tears. All everyone had done the past two days was cry. Peebee had held it together. She had tried to stay positive, had tried to do what Sara had wanted in this event. Sara would want her to stay with Amara. Sara would wrap her arms around Amara and make everything okay. Peebee couldn’t do that. She couldn’t. She’d lose this fragile grip on self-control. She already felt herself slipping. She’d already slipped today. She couldn’t do it again or her control would be gone for good. So she turned around and walked away.  
***  
     “Peebee! No! Peebee don’t! Don’t leave! Why are you doing this?” Sara’s terrified voice tore across the dark space. Star’s glittered across the horizon. Peebee felt herself gasping, clawing across the ground towards Sara - anything to get to Sara. Blood ran down her hands the rocks ripping into them, ripping into her stomach, into her legs. Sara, Sara, Sara.  
     “What are you doing? Why are you doing this?” Sara’s voice screamed, and Peebee had never heard her so horrified. All her anger and all her fear ripping into Peebee. Her voice screaming as it slowly faded away. Her screams dying out. Dead.Dead.Dead. That was Amara’s voice - hard and cold. Sara was dead. Sara was dead, and she hadn’t saved her. Peebee took deep panicked breaths looking around frantically but she couldn’t see anything. Not herself. Not the stars. Not the ground. A big expanse of nothing. Amara’s voice still echoing in her ears. DEAD.  
******  
     Peebee woke up in a cold sweat. She took deep heaving breaths her entire body shaking. Every nerve in her body felt like it was on fire. Before she even realized what she was doing she had scrambled out of bed, shoving piles of clothes in a duffel bag. She scrambled under the bed, and pulled out the case where her old guns were. She put those in the bag to- leaving Sara’s.  
     She took a deep breath. In a split second she realized what she was doing. She was running. Peebee paused for a second. The funeral was in two days. Amara was her, hurting. All her living friends were here. I’m happy to be a part of this team, this family. But that had been for Ryder. That had been a long time ago. Parts of her dream clouded her mind. Sara’s screams. Amara’s accusations. She couldn’t stay here. By morning Pelessaria B'Sayle was gone, and no one knew where she went.


	2. Chapter 2

****************Day Amara is Born******************************

A hard rippling pain, then gasping, her vision fluctuating. Sara’s face there one moment, then gone the next. The baby - where was the baby? A loud noise, a cry? Then silence. Sara’s voice. “What the hell happened Lexi?” Then nothing. Emptiness, creeping blackness that covered her eyes. She slipped into that internal haze that was sleep. What mattered now? Everything had gone horribly wrong.

When she woke up the rhythmic beep, beep, beep, was the first thing she noticed. Her eyes slowly opened and she was staring up at the ceiling of the med bay. Oh goddess. She hated the med bay. Why was she here? The baby. Her hand fluttered reaching up to feel at her stomach. Not flat, but definitely not containing her daughter.

She tried to push herself up and gasped when a sharp crippling pain ran through her abdomen. Great. C-section. What the hell had gone wrong?

A part of her knew that her number one concern should have been for her daughter. But the only thing she remembered was Sara being there. Sara would have kept her safe. Lexi, not so much, but Sara was her bondmate. She would keep their daughter safe.

“Peebee?” She heard someone say. Gil? No, Liam.

“Help me sit up Costa!” She demanded still trying to prop herself up on the bed. For the first time she was conscious of the oxygen line running to her nose, and the IV in her arm. She tried to rip the later out, then Liam’s hand was there.

“Woah, woah.” He said gently, stopping her from yanking out the line. He grabbed a few pillows from the other bed, and gently eased her up. “Sara been in yet?” He asked when she was properly sitting up. The pain in her abdomen had subsited from sharp stabs to more of a dull throb.

“No. What happened? Where is the baby?” She asked, glancing around. The med bay was empty. No signs of any child. A ball of worry began to form in the pit of her stomach. Slowly memories started to come back, blackness. Someone yelling that she was losing blood. She and Sara has left the ship...a last minute investigation into a supposedly safe remnant site. She gasped.

“Calm down.” Liam said slowly, placing a hand on her shoulder. Memories came flooding back now, the gunfire, Sara yelling, Cora throwing a biotic field over Peebee just a second to late...she’d been to slow to turn around. Fast enough to catch a bullet in her side. The burning pain, then blackness. Beep,beep,beep, beep. The monitor beeped faster now. Where her daughter? Was she okay? No...she’d heard crying - born alive at the very least.

“Where is my daughter Liam?” She said slowly, the calm in her voice not reflecting the spinning rage she felt under her skin. “Bring her to me or I’ll throw you against this wall and find her myself!” Her voice got louder, biotic power swimming at the tips of her finger.

“Peebee.” Another voice from the doorway. This time it was Sara. Her face was pale, dark circles under her eyes...that couldn’t possibly mean. But no. There. In her arms. A tiny bundle. Her biotics died at the tips of her fingers. She reached forward, out towards the baby.

She didn’t have to ask. Sara placed the tiny bundle in her arms. A tiny asari. So small.

She snuggled the little bundle up to her face. She’d never really understood the fascination with new baby smell. It was different when it was yours. Sara placed her hand on Peebee’s shoulder, the other placed on the baby. Peebee cuddled the tiny bundle closer to her, examining her tiny face. Perfection. While she’d never admit it, before looking into the face of her daughter she didn’t think she’d ever see anything more perfect then Sara’s face.

Sara was now kneeling next to her, head against the bed frame. It took Peebee a few second to realize the human was crying.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey?” Peebee said gently. “Don’t ruin this moment for me okay? I’ve been carrying this demon for months.” She continued adding a little bit of humor to the comment.

“You almost died.” Sara said her voice quiet. “Lexi said you were going to die.”

Peebee didn’t reply for a couple of seconds. “Well. You died on me once so I guess we’re going to have to be even.” She said with a shrug.

Sara looked up, the expression on her face completely blank. Then a small smile spread across her face. “I guess we are. I can confidently say I’ll never do this to you again.”

Peebee smiled back, and in that glow - the birth of their daughter she almost believed Sara.

*************Three Weeks After Amara's Birth*******************

“You’re sure Sara?” Cora asked, her face was hard, her tone almost - pleading? Peebee didn’t pay it any mind. She stood by the ramp leading up to the Tempest - her daughter wrapped up in her arms.

“Positive. Don’t worry Cora - you’ll be fine.” Sara said with a smile. “It’s all recon work. I’ll be back in a few months.” Sara gaver her second in command one last smile, briefly placing a reassuring hand on her arm.

“This wasn’t the plan.” Peebee said quietly not looking at Sara. This had been a point of contention between them. Peebee had wanted to stay on the Tempest. Sara had wanted to leave - for a few weeks at the very least. Peebee didn’t like the idea of being benched.

“It wasn’t the plan for you to get shot in the side.” Sara said shortly, slinging a duffel bag over her shoulder with one hand. “This will be good for us. Get to know the baby - pick a name?” Sara smiled at Peebee and Peebee grimaced back. She didn’t want to leave her work - their work - but in the end she had agreed. Rest had to be worth something at the very least.

“I still like Amara.” Peebee said after a few seconds. They had both had favorite names before the baby was born.

“I like Amara too.” Sara said, beginning to walk. The place they were going wasn’t far from here. Peebee sighed tensing her shoulders.

“You didn’t like Amara before. You wanted to name her Liastelle.” Peebee reminded her. She wasn’t going to let Sara just give her what she wanted.

“I like Amara now. She just seems like an Amara.” Sara said with a smile. They had arrived at the front of the small unit Sara had been given when Meridian had first started allowing anyone to settle here. They had decided this was the best place - for a few months at least. It was safe. Sara placed a hand on the baby then brushed her hand over Peebee’s cheek. Peebee pulled away shooting her a look.

“Don’t get sappy on me now, Ryder.” She said with a small smile. “Amara Ryder?” She asked starting forward again to open the door.

“Don’t asari take their mother’s last name?” Sara asked, following Peebee through the doorway. The asari was standing in the middle of a small living space. The baby was carefully balanced on one arm while the other held a small device.

“So this is what you were actually doing when you insisted on moving my things here last week?” Peebee asked. Sara grinned, gesturing at Peebee to turn it on. The asari sighed flipping a switch. A holo image of the three of them appeared on the wall- Peebee remembered this. It was two weeks after Amara was born.

“Do you like it?” Sara asked a wide grin on her face.

She dropped the dufel bag and reached out to take the baby. Peebee handed her over with no objections.There was a small smile on her wife’s face, and she reached out running her hand over the picture.

“Sappy.” Peebee said, flashing another smile at Sara. “Amara Ryder. She’s your legacy - you know I never much cared for asari traditions.” She added.

She flipped the picture off and walking over to place a hand on either side of Sara. She looked down at the baby smiling again.

“Amara Ryder.” Sara said, grinning down at the baby, both her parents arms around her. “She really is perfect.”

Peebee laughed, a high clear happy sound. She leaned forward kissing Sara. In that moment it didn’t matter that she’d been benched. That it would be three years before they returned to the Tempest. It didn’t matter that Sara wouldn’t live to see Amara turn 40. All that mattered to them both in that moment was that they loved each other - and had a daughter to show it.

*************************50 Years After Sara's Death****************************************************

“Back again B’Sayle? It’s been a few years, almost thought I’d seen the last of you.” The man behind the counter was 40 now. The first time she’d met him he’d been 20. This planets habitats were so young she was rarely recognized - even when using her real name.

“Ah you know me can’t stay away from Costaovia for long.” She said with a small smile. She ordered her usual drink - something light. Just enough to give her a dreamless sleep. Things hadn’t gotten any better since the night she had left her entire life behind. She tried not to think about Sara these days. That was one reason she detested the nightmares - they’d ruined Sara. Couldn’t even think about her without the weird fluttering panic she hated. She’d gone back to the life she’d had when Sara had picked her up is Eos. She never stayed in one place for long and was constantly on the move - spending each night in a new place in someone else’s arms.

The bartender slid the drink across the bar to her. “½ off today.” He said, as she slid the money across the bar.

“Keep it anyways. What’s the occasion?” She asked leaning forward. She rarely kept track of the dates nowadays.

“You that out of touch? Today’s the day Sara Ryder and her band of misfits saved all out asses from the Kett.” He said, looking at her like she’d lost her mind. Her blood ran cold. She stared down into her drink the murky brown liquid stared up at her.

“How could I forget…” She said voice trailing off as she looked back up this time out a window. “That was...140 years ago?” She asked voice quiet. 50 years. 50 years since Sara had died.

“Yup. You know I hear that asari daughter of hers is making great advances in genetic modifications.” He said lightly wiping down the counter with a cloth. His voice was casual - just making light conversation. He had mentioned Amara. Amara the baby she had wanted so badly, and then just abandoned.

Sara’s face, smiling down at them as Amara learned to walk. Sara grinning as she spun around the galley in the kitchen, swinging a ten year old Amara in a circle. Sara kissing her in the Remnant ruins at Kadara. Sara’s cold hands on her stomach in the weeks before Amara was born. And for the first time in a long time she remembered Sara and didn’t feel that rush of panic and sadness. Maybe that meant it was time to go back.

“I have somewhere to be. See ya in another 10 years.” Peebee said standing up suddenly, and leaving the drink unfinished.

***********************************************************************

It had been a long day. Kadara had improved a lot in the past 140 years, but it was and would always be home to the dregs of civilization. Which was why Lexi did most of her work here. It was rewarding. After spending most of her time in Andromeda looking after Sara Ryder it was nice to have spent the past 20 years doing work on Kadara. She walked into her small house, already planning on fixing something warm to drink before going to bed.

“Hi Lexi.” The voice from the kitchen didn’t startle her as much as it should have. It was so familiar even after all this time. How many years had she spent looking for the owner of that voice? Still she froze, sliding her keycard into her pocket. There. Sitting on one of three chairs in the kitchen was Peebee. It had been 50 years. A rolling anger took the place of surprise as she and Peebee made eye contact.

The last time she’d seen her she’d told her to make things right with Amara. Everything seemed to be going fine. Peebee was devastated, Amara was furious - but they could survive. Lexi could see Peebee and Amara being able to fix their mother-daughter relationship, fix what was left of their little family. Then before Sara’s body was even laid to rest Peebee was gone - in the wind. Amara hadn’t wanted to look. Lexi had looked - for years - and found nothing but whispers in the wind. All of that seemed to have culminated in Peebee sitting in her kitchen.

“Sara would be so disappointed in you.” Lexi said, closing her eyes and letting the anger bubble up. “She wanted so much for you - for Amara, and you threw it all away.” Her voice was quiet, voicing the culmination of thoughts from the past 50 years.

“I didn’t come here for your opinion.” Peebee said after a few seconds. She stood up, walking to the small window over Lexi’s sink and looking out of it.

“Then why did you come? You let everyone down. Again and again and again.” Lexi snapped, wringing her hands together. She didn’t get angry. Anger wasn’t productive - but now. She was angry. “All those years, everyone thought you had changed. But you never really did, did you?”

Peebee’s hands were clutching the edge of the sink, her knuckles white as she held onto the edge. “What do you want me to say? That I messed up? I know I did. That I let Sara down? That’s right too.” At this point she took a deep breath - looking up from the interior of the sink to stare out the tiny window above it. “But you know what - you can’t say anything that I haven’t said to myself.”

“Fifty years.” Lexi said, not adding anything else. Nothing else needed to be said.

“How’s Amara?” Peebee asked her voice low, and for the first time a level of guilt in it that Lexi didn’t think she’d ever heard. “I’ve kept up with her...a little.”

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Lexi replied with a small sigh running her hand down her face. “She won’t even say your name. Visits Sara’s grave at least once a month. She...isolates herself. It worries me. It isn’t like when she left the Tempest. She’s different.”

Peebee didn’t respond. She had known Lexi would keep an eye on the younger asari, because while she and Peebee had never really been friends, she and Sara were very close. Peebee had known ever since Amara was a child that Lexi was wrapped around her finger - she made a good godmother. A human term, but something Sara had wanted for their daughter.

“Where is she?” Peebee asked. Her voice was still quiet, and for the first time she looked over, meeting eyes with Lexi. Lexi had every intention of not telling her a thing, but the guilt in Peebee’s eyes made her pause.

“She’s on Meridian. Sometimes - doing research on Ryder-1, studying the changes the planet has undergone in the past 100 or so years.” Lexi said after moment of deliberation. She loved Amara, but she wasn’t Amara’s mother. Peebee was, and she had to let the other asari try. It was what Sara would have wanted.

****************************************************

She knew Sara had hidden some things on the Tempest. Letters, mementos - she’d asked Peebee to retrieve them after her death.But the asari never had. She was going to go….but she had run away instead. Now she was going to get these things and then go to Amara. Maybe a small memory of the person that they’d both loved, albeit in different ways, would help ease the anger Peebee expected.

To her surprise the Tempest’s lights were on. That was very odd. Who could have possibly been here? “Hello?” She called onto the ship. There wasn’t a response. Odd. She placed her hand on her gun. It wasn’t like just anyone could get in here so she ventured onto the ship.

She spared a small peak into her old escape pod. It was clean - a little dusty but all the remnant junk was gone. Taken by her when they’d left the Tempest for good. Shortly after Amara had opted to stay on Eos. Looking back she now recognized how strict she had been with her daughter - while pretending she wasn’t. If she had been Amara she would have left too.

She slid down the ladder that lead to her and Sara’s old room. The doors wooshed open as she entered the room. She sighed. The room was cold, empty, and dark. None of Sara’s things - even the bed was gone. At the time it had felt like they were taking memories with them, but really they had just destroyed this room. For a second she stood in the middle of the room -remembering that very first movie night. Cuddled into Sara’s side - just blissfully happy. If someone had told her then where her life would take her she would have laughed. A daughter? Never - not for her. Back then she couldn’t even imagine ever wanting one. Sara once told her that you have to meet someone that makes you want to have kids before you have them. In her case she guessed it was true.

Peebee walked over to the cabinet where Sara’s space hamster had once sat. Kneeling down she reached into the back scratching at it until it came loose. She reached inside, pulling out two envelopes. She reached farther feeling again - and pulled out a small device. A holo picture. For a moment she felt a wave of disappointment. That was it? That was all Sara had left her? She glanced down at the envelopes, one was marked ‘Peebee’ and the other ‘Amara’. In a second all her disappointment faded. Sara’s words. One last message.

Then the wave of regret came. She had left this unread for fifty years. She stood up, still staring down at the letters in her hands.

“Mom?” And that one word- that one word would change everything.

******************************************************************************************************************

The slight hum still reverberated throughout the ship. Maybe a little strained after all this time. Newer advances had been made in ships, and this one had reteried with the former human pathfinder. Amara hesitated before walking to the front of the ship. All it looked out onto now was the dark skeletons of other abandoned ships, but she could still remember the pattern of racing stars or the view of new planets it had taken during her tumultuous childhood.

She took a cautious step forward looking over all the buttons that were no longer lit. A deep lingering sadness that she had not expected settled over her chest. Maybe this is what it felt like...returning to the place where your childhood had died.

Amara still wasn’t sure what had drawn her to this place. Maybe a desire to reconnect with her childhood? Figure out what had gone wrong the night she had left? Figure out why she had stayed away all those years, only to return when Sara Ryder was in the ground? That’s what hurt her the most. The fact that she’d left that night and never made an effort to return. It had been selfish.

Maybe that’s why she could forgive her mother, but not herself. Not really.

Still the happy memories were mixed with the bad ones, and that's where she was confused. Slowly she made her way over to the ladder, sliding down she made her way into what had once been her parent’s bedroom.

Even after all this time the doors swished open welcomingly. Like they had the night Amara had left.

***************************The Night Amara Left: Roughly 70-80 years ago.**********************************************

“Hello my darling!” Her Mame said with a smile, rising off the bed that she’d been reclined on. A brilliant smile was spread across her Mame’s face - even if it had only been a couple of hours since she had seen her. That was her favorite thing about her Mame - she was always delighted to see her.

“Hello Amara.” Sam’s monotone voice said in another greeting. Amara let a slight smile twinge her lips. Then her face went blank again. She’d come for a reason. She had to make that known before they left Eos. Another swish of the door behind her signaled the arrival of her mother. She turned giving a glance back….their relationship was fragile. Her mom had always been the more protective of the pair and over the years that protectiveness had taken its toll. She was 30 now. It was time to move on. It had to be time.

“I assume you wanted to talk for a reason, Amara?” Peebee asked walking to Sara’s side. Amara took note of the gentle way the other asari grabbed the human’s hand. Sara’s hand tightened on it, paying no mind to the black grease that covered the asari’s hand.

“I’d like to leave the ship - in a permanent manner.” Amara said slowly. She kept her expression calm, neutral. She would only allow this to dissolve into a conflict if they made it one. She was an adult now - that’s the only thing that mattered.

She saw the small frown on Peebee’s face before Sara did. Her Mame glancing over at once to judge Peebee’s reaction.”Where do you want to go?” Sara asked when it seemed her wife had no intentions of responding, the frown set permanently onto the lines of her face.

“I want to stay on Esos. Research the changing plant life.” Amara said quickly. “I’ve spoken to the lab here, and Professor-”

“No.” Peebee said firmly. There wasn’t even a hint of regret or compromise in her tone. Her frown had deepened, and she dropped Sara’s hand walking over to the wide windows that overlooked the planet. “It’s too dangerous. You belong with us. With our family.” Peebee continued as Amara opened and closed her mouth - shocked, trying to find a way to respond.

“Pelessaria if I may Esos has the lowest reported criminal activity-” S.A.M. started to say his monotone voice breaking into the conversation.

“S.A.M. we’ve talked about this. Peebee and I will ask for your input if we require it. Thank you though.” Sara said cutting the A.I. off. The human walked over to Peebee placing a hand on her shoulder. “It’s Amara’s decision.” Sara said quietly, almost so softly that Amara didn’t hear her. “She’s an adult now.”

“I’m perfectly capable of defending myself. I may be young but I can make my own choices.” Amara said, making her voice firm - like Sara did when she was speaking to the crew. She watched Peebee, the asari’s frown had faded and her worried her lip between her teeth. Almost subconsciously Peebee raised her hand and it fluttered over the top of her stomach.

“You are a child. You have no idea what the real world is like.” Peebee said, her voice didn’t sound angry almost exasperated. She walked across the room, placing a hand on Amara’s shoulder. “Do you want to come on more missions with us? I can make that happen.” Peebee offered, her eyes were bright almost pleading.

“No. I want this. I want to stay on Eos.” Amara responded, stepping back and pulling away from Peebee’s grip. She missed the flash of hurt in her mother’s eyes. Peebee whipped around wringing her hands together.

“Fine. Go.” Peebee said. Sara stepped forward, trying to defuse the obviously building tension.

“Everyone- just calm down a second.” She said running a hand across Peebee’s check, and reaching out for Amara’s hand. “We can make everyone happy and safe.”

“I’m sick of being safe! I’ve been the good daughter my entire life! I’m going to do something that I want for a change!” Amara snapped, finally breaking out of the careful walls of calmness she had build around herself. She whipped around, much like her mother had earlier and stalked out of the room. The whoosh of the doors added a dramatic flair she had not wanted but nevertheless appreciated. Before the doors could close Peebee stepped out of them, preventing them from closing.

“Amara! Wait!” Peebee said. But her daughter didn’t stop. Sara came up behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder. And just like that Amara was gone.

*****************************************************************************

Amara opened her eyes still looking over the remnants of the room. Everything was gone. Probably taken the year after she had left the ship, when Sara had decided that her Pathfinding days were over. And the Tempest had been left here.

She wondered what it had been like. In the heyday of the war with the Kett. All her mothers friends here....Lexi was the only one left. Sure the crew had children and grandchildren - maybe even great grandchildren in Gil’s case. It was strange. A group that changed the galaxy was gone - only memories to remember them by.

For the first time she wished she had stayed here. She’d only been 30. Barely more than a child - now she could see why Peebee hadn’t wanted her to leave. But that hadn’t changed the fact that Peebee had left that day. Arguably at the moment Amara needed her most.

She took a deep breath, and released it slowly. 50 years was a long time to stay angry. The anger was gone - gone in the long day she spent sitting next to Sara’s grave. Gone in the memories she held of her mother - being chased by a laughing blue blob through the Nexus. Now only the sadness remained...Lexi said it was the pain of abandonment. Amara didn’t think it was. It was more like ….never having a chance to make things right. Combined with the ever present question - why did Peebee run?

She’d heard stories of course - of the mother who lived in the escape pod, the one who’d lock herself up for days, and of the mother who didn’t want to commit. When she was younger she used to hear them and think ‘Why did she have me then?’, but Peebee had never treated her anything less than as her daughter. She was a good mother - they’d had issues, but Peebee had been a good mother.

That thought brought what it always did - a burning sense of guilt. Her accusation that Peebee only loved her as Sara Ryder’s daughter. A simple memory of the human she’d loved - the human who Amara had loved as well.

Now she realized, even if that had been a factor. Did it really matter? She had grown up well loved. Too sheltered maybe, in a strict household, sometimes isolated - the only child on a spaceship. That didn’t take away that her parents loved her.

She shook her head shaking away the memories. This wasn’t important now. Maybe it was time to finally talk to Lexi about finding Peebee.

Amara turned around, hearing the ramp of the ship creaking open. She froze for a second, and then just as she had as a child - darted in the now empty wardrobe.

“Hello?” She heard someone call. Then silence. Who was here? The voice sounded...unfamiliar, but like she should have known it.

She was frozen in the closet, peeking out of a tiny gap. Then there she was. Looking exactly like she had when Amara was a child. Clean face - still no black paint across her eyes. Amara had seen the pictures, she’d wondered if her mother would have reverted into that younger version of herself.

She watched as the other asari surveyed the room - a strange expression on her face. After a few moments Peebee walked over to a cabinet rifling around in it.

Amara was in shock. Just moments ago she had decided she finally wanted to find her mother, and here she was. So close. Apparently returning to this spot at the same moment Amara had.

She was frozen in the closet, unsure. Peebee was staring down at two envelopes she had somehow extracted from the cabinet. Amara took a deep breath - if Peebee had taught her anything it was that sometimes you had to be brave. She stepped out into the room.

“Mom?”

“Amara.” Peebee said. In a second she was standing, and had her arms wrapped around her daughter. The wave of emotions consumed her. “I’m so sorry.”

Amara didn’t say anything for a few seconds, then she hugged her mother back. They stood there for a second, just holding each other. Everything left unsaid passing between them. Amara let a deep breath in and then out.

“I’m sorry I wouldn’t talk to you. That day.” Amara said, her voice cracking. It was something she’s thought about a lot. How she had turned her mother down - refused to talk. She had lost her Mame, but her mother had lost someone too.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. You were a child. I was the adult.” Peebee said swiftly, forcefully.

She pulled back smiling at Amara. She looked the same. So much like her, but with little bits of Sara folded into her face. She wondered what her own mother would think - seeing her with a daughter of her own.

“I-I wanted to know. Why you left that day?” Amara asked.

She visibly saw Peebee’s eyes darken as she stepped away. The other asari sighed, giving Amara a squeeze on the arm, before walking over to the window. She stared out, looking over the array of ships.

“When I get scared I run. And nothing scared me as much before or since as Sara’s death did.” She said softly. She didn’t look at Amara.

It was hard to admit that - even to herself. So much about her relationship with Sara had scared her, but Sara made it worth it. Sara made her want to stay. Then Sara was gone, and she felt like she was constantly disappointing her.

“I just...just help me understand. I’m not angry anymore, but why didn’t you tell me? That she was dying?” Amara pleaded, stepping forward.

She was standing next to her mother now, but the other asari wasn’t looking at her.

“Sara...watched her mother die. Did you know that? It was before you were born - they thought they had cured her. But it didn’t work, and Sara watched her die.” Peebee spoke quickly, glancing between the window and Amara. “She...begged me not to tell you. She didn’t want anyone to know, especially not you. She didn’t want you to watch her die.”

For a second Amara didn’t say anything, didn’t feel anything. All this time she’d been angry with Peebee - blamed her. Forced herself to forgive her, even while knowing she was right to be mad. And it had been Sara? Peebee had just been following what Sara wanted? Sara had taken away the chance to say goodbye?

“Why would she do that? Why would she think I wouldn’t want to say goodbye to her?” Amara asked, her voice was high shocked.

Peebee sighed. She wasn’t looking at Amara again. But she did reach out placing her hand on the asari’s. It was a motherly gesture. One that still felt familiar to her, even after all the time that had passed.

“I’ve asked myself the same question. Before you were born she knew she would never see you grow up - not really. I think it was harder on her they she cared to admit.” Peebee said.

They both wished they had this conversation a long time ago. Peebee wished she had been strong enough to come back a long time ago. Amara wished she had looked for her.

“I’m not angry with you - with either of you. You loved me. That’s all that really matters.”

Amara said after a few moments had passed.

There were some things she was never going to understand.

“Here. Sara left this for you.” Peebee said, handing her the envelope along with the small holographic video projector. “That’s a picture of all of us. Right after you were born.”

Amara took both items. They felt...almost heavier in her hands then they should have. She took a deep breath, and flipped the switch on. The image flashed up on the wall - there they were the three of them. Her first thought was that her Mame looked so young. Not yet 40, still fresh faced, on arm protectively around Peebee and the other placed on Amara. Her mother looked tired, still in what looked like the medbay but with a glow and a tired smile.

Peebee walked over, running her hand over Sara’s face. Even after all this time the memory of her was fresh in her mind. A dull throb of pain - lessened after all this time.

“Before you were born I was shot in the side. We both almost died.” Peebee said, glancing back at Amara. “After it happened Sara told me she’d never die on me.”

“Why would she promise that? It...it’s extremely unlikely that would have ever been the case.” Amara said slowly still studying the image. She’d heard the story of her traumatic birth before - usually with Sara doing the telling.

“It was just her way. It made me feel a little better at thee very least. Right before I almost warped Liam through the wall.” Peebee said with smile, a laugh in her voice at the memory. Amara smiled at the image of her mother biotics raised - in the medbay. Uncle Liam, his hands up. Seriously B’Sayle?

Amara flipped the image off, slipping the device into her pocket. Then she looked at the letter again. Peebee glanced back and her then once more at where the image had been. Such happy times. She had most of her life left. She wondered if anything in the future would ever compare.

“Do you want to come back to Meridian with me?” Amara asked after a few minutes.

The offer wasn’t made lightly. She wasn’t sure if she should have made it at all. She might not have been angry anymore, but it would take time to rebuild a relationship. Still, it seemed right. Someone had to take another step forward - it might as well be her.

“Yes.” Peebee said without a second of hesitation. She was going to fix this, and in time they would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I realize this took a long time, but I had to do it justice. I hope you enjoy. I edited it myself, but please let me know if you see any glaring typos. There will be one more chapter. Basically with the contents of the letter's Sara left Amara and Peebee. Yeah. So.


	3. Chapter 3

Amara-

What can I say that can last a lifetime? You know that I love you. You know that I want you to be happy, to grow and succeed and change. I can only hope you look back and think I was a good father - your Mame.

I’m sorry you didn’t love growing up on the Tempest. I’m sorry I didn’t come visit you more after you left. I’m sorry I couldn’t convince you to see your mother or her to see you. I get that for asari thirty years is the blink of an eye but it felt like an eternity to me. I think my biggest regret is that we didn’t have more time together as a family.

I can easily say that the highlight of my existence was seeing Peebee be your mother. The way she loves you - well I never really understood the mother-child bond but now I do.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was dying. I know I won’t, and I know Peebee will hold too my last request. You don’t deserve this. I know that in my heart, but I can’t let you see me die. I’m okay with you hating me as long as you don’t see that.

You are my daughter, Amara Ryder. I know you are going to change the galaxy as we know it. I only hope that these words are enough.

-Mame

 ***************************************************************************************************************

Peebee,

This letter is going to be about Amara. I thought for a long time about what I wanted my last words to you to be, and I wanted them to be for you about - you. But then I realized you already know that I love you. You already know you were the one great love of my short existence. What more can I give you? You know I want you to be happy. Amara is the one who connects us - the physical representation of the bond and the love between us.

I never imagined being a parent to someone. I didn’t have a great father, and the prospect of being one to Amara scared me. I still remember holding her in my arms after Lexi scooped her out of you - she wasn’t breathing. I was terrified the daughter you wanted so badly would die before you even met her. Then we thought that you were going to die - and I’ve never felt such pure panic. There was a daughter in my arms - the rest of the crew cooing over her, but how could I raise her without her mother? Then you lived and the weight was gone off my chest.

You always said I flowed seamlessly into the role of a parent - but I never told you I felt like I was drowning the entire time. That’s why I wanted us to come back to the Tempest. I never knew what was right as a parent - but I always knew the right thing to do as Pathfinder.

But watching you be a mother - that made it all worth it. I think that watching you bloom in that role is one of the highlights of my existence. You were always so much better with Amara then I was. I think that’s why I was the good guy in her story and you were the bad one. I’m sorry for that - I feel a lot of guilt. I should have stood up for you that day - told her you were right. She was too young. I should have tried to fix it, not given it and let you push each other away. I’m sorry. I should have done better. I should have let us stay on Meridian - had more daughters, been happier. Not that I wasn’t happy, but maybe that would have been better.

But this isn’t about self pity. I love you. I love Amara. I love our family. I want more then anything for you to have this again, and I want you to reunite our family. Remember that I loved you until my last breath, and thank you for loving me.

Yours for Eternity,

Sara

 

************************************************************************

It was the middle of the night when she woke up, and she instinctively reached out for Peebee in the dark. Her wife’s side of the bed was cold. For a second panic consumed her, but then she remembered Amara. Amara had probably woken up. Peebee had to be with her. She got up and headed down the hallway to the nursery. She heard Peebee before she saw her.

“You know that you are perfect right? Your perfect little hands, your perfect little toes? Beautiful clear blue eyes?” Peebee’s voice was soft, bouncing her daughter on her knees. The little girl - only six months old was half asleep. There was a soft smile on Peebee’s face as she stared at her daughter.

Sara paused in the doorway - watching the two of them. Peebee hadn’t seen her yet. She smiled at the asari’s words. Peebee often expressed that it shocked her they had created something so perfect.

“You are going to be brave and bold. You’re going to have to be strong with parents like us.” Peebee cooed again to the baby. Amara’s eyes were drifting shut faster, until they closed completely. Peebee smiled, cradling the baby to her chest, then carefully transferring her to her crib.

Sara walked up behind her, placing a hand on the asari’s back. Peebee didn’t even flinch. “I knew you were there.” She gently still staring at the baby. “She’s really perfect isn’t she? I didn’t mess her up?”

“You’re both perfect.” Sara said quietly, wrapping both arms around Peebee and leaning her head down on her shoulder so she could watch Amara sleep. “My beautiful little family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's the end of After. I can honestly say I'm very happy with it, and very proud of myself for actually finishing something. I really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you enjoyed reading this. <3 I have one last request, please comment. I can honestly say that comments make my day and I treasure and reread every one. Even if you read this three years from now I promise I will read your comment and respond. On that note I am planning a series of one-shots centering around this universe. Look for that in the future - let's say March, mainly because I have two very hard exams in the next two weeks. 
> 
> If you are reading this I love you and you are an amazing human.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. So this is first thing I've ever actually been happy with. Idk. I think everything I write is awful so. But I actually like this? Idk. Please tell me what you like/don't like. I want to get better. <3


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